Monday, August 31, 2015

Stay Happy!

Someone told me that I project a care free person, happy go lucky kind of attitude. But they don't know that every day, I struggle to get up in the morning, I thank God for the day to ahead, and ask Him that, if it His will to give me another day on this earth, what should I do with it?

I am so tired of keeping up appearances. I am so tired of being happy and OK all the time. But if I stop, working, stop making my appearance, then how can I better please everyone around me. How can I be of use to other people.

Twisted thoughts. Twisted mind. I want to give up, sometimes I just want to die, and rest. But since I am still here, I don't have a choice but to serve. As they say, that all things God may be glorified.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

What I've learned.

Not everything that you've lost is worth looking for.  Sometimes you lose things because they are not meant to be found, because that is not for you. Not everything that you hold, had is for you. Sometimes they are just borrowed  things.  They were lend  to you, but it doesn't mean you own them.

Don't feel sorry if you did not last. Sometimes it's not worth to fight for a person if she or he doesn't love you. It's the same as you went to a battle alone, and you found out that the one you are fighting for is also the one you are up against. There are some things that you have to let go, because it was only you who were holding to the relationship, and she or he is just waiting to quit. Learn to let go as soon soon as possible, coz it he longer you  allow to yourself to stay  in that situation, your just accumulating pain and  headed for an agonizing torture of a broken heart, or worst a broken soul. 

Monday, August 25, 2014

Madaling magpeke ng larawan para sa mga mahuhusay magphotoshop. Pero sa mundo ng internet, wala ng mas dadali pa sa pagpepeke ng ugali at pagkatao ng isang tao. Madaling magpakita ng kahit anong uri ng kaplastikan. Pwede kang magmukhang mabait base sa mga sinusulat mo. Pwede kang magmukhang matalino, magpanggap na eksperto sa pagpapayo ng kung anong anik anik, o maging tagapagtanggol ng mga taong sinugatan at inapi. Pwede kang magbalat kayo bilang mabuting kaibigan o isang dakila at martyr na mangingibing. Pero yun pala nanggagamit ka lang. Pwede kang mapagkamalang masayahing tao dahil puro nakakatawa ang mga sinusulat mo. Pero ang totoo, sa dulo ng esophagus mo, mas marami pa yung mga oras na malungkot ka kesa masaya ka. Pero walang kahit sinong nakakaalam.
Hindi basehan ang internet lang para makilala mo ng lubusan ang isang tao, kung ano ang tunay niyang iniisip maging ang kanyang totoong nararamdaman. Maliit na porsyente lang yan ng kanyang pagkatao at hindi yan ang kanyang kabuuan. Hindi sapat ang ilang oras na pag oonline mo para husgahan ang isang tao base sa ipinapakita niya dito. Dahil minsan kahit basahin mo ang lahat ng sinulat niya, hindi mo pa rin kayang kilalanin ang tunay na siya.


It's been a while since I last wrote a lot has happened and I have change, I don't know if it is for the better or not. But what I know is that if I have one word to describe it, it will be contentment.

 I still have a lot of things that I need to work out on. But I have learn to accept things. I now found a new hobby, and things that occupy my time. (#alamna) I have learn not to strive for perfection. How to really fall in love, and fall out of love. How to use and be used. How to lie, and accept the truth. Now I've learn not to blame other people for my misfortune, but to accept that these are only part of the strings that are needed to complete weaving, the fiber of life, my story.

I'll try to write again, not for anyone or anything, but for my self.

Monday, February 8, 2010


Homo-imprinting is when a male has been sexually abused by another male and acts out homosexually.

The fundamental principle here is that he is reenacting his sexual abuse, not expressing a homosexual identity.

In other words the behavior is homosexual in that it is male on male. However, the sexually abused male is heterosexual. Reparative therapies would lead you to believe that there is "not such thing as homosexuality" and that all homosexual expression is an "acting out".

This is false.

There are men who behave homosexually and are truly gay--romantically, affectinally, spiritually, sexually and psychologically.

Homosexually imprinted men are straight men whose homosexual expression is about behavioral acting out from original trauma.

By mapping I mean that one’s love and sexual preference map are determined early on in childhood. It is how we learn how to love. We observe and absorb how others love or neglect or abuse us and that becomes our “love map” according to John Money, a pioneer in the field of sexology.

This map becomes a template for what you seek out for pleasure in your adulthood.

Early in childhood, we’re all imprinted with family beliefs and societal norms. Imprinting is the psychological process by which specific types of behavior are locked in, at an early stage of development. All of us, gay and straight alike, are conditioned to think, feel, and act the way our early childhood caretakers nurture and teach us.

The first important thing to consider is this doesn’t mean the client is gay or even bi. He is simply left with an imprint to re-enact his homosexual abuse and find “pleasure” in what was inflicted on him as a child. In reality, this isn’t pleasure at all, but trauma turned into orgasm.

In the book, Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M. Preble and A. Nicholas Groth they say it best:

“……this may actually reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic event …..when he was being sexually victimized, someone else was in control of him sexually. During masturbation he is literally in control of himself sexually, and this may be a way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation in consensual sex reflects his choice and decision.”

The authors go on to say that “the fantasy thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by anxiety more than pleasure”. In other words, they become a way of managing the fear and anxiety.

Second, just because the sexual abuse was committed by a male doesn’t mean that it constituted homosexuality. When men sexually abuse girls, we don’t claim it’s about heterosexuality! We say it is simply sexual abuse—which involves power, violation and rape. Nothing about that is related to orientation.


Friday, February 5, 2010

Shou ku

Shou ku - chinese word for suffering. by definition it means the bearing of pain, inconvenience, or loss; pain endured; distress, loss, or injury incurred; as, sufferings by pain or sorrow; sufferings by want or by wrongs.

It has been said that "the world is full of suffering however it is also overcoming."

Hi, my name is C, I know that no one I know will be reading this, hell, I don't think any one is interested in reading, thus this is the only way I can tell the whole world who I am, how I feel, and a way for me to release all of my shou ku...